"Merry Christmas"? Isn't that Christian? How dare anyone wish me a Merry Christmas?
As a former collective, but now a splintered collection of disparate entities all racing to defend the diminuitive swath of territory each has claimed as its own against the the smallest of slights, we seem to be intent upon dropping any vestige of our old united selves. And I'm all for it.
Let us, in fact, divest ourselves fully of those archaicisms that tether us to our imperfect past. Let us, dispense wholly with "Christianity" as it has been responsible for countless grievous crimes against human nature - a nature that includes such socially beneficial traits as greed, violence, vengefulness, hate, wanton lust toward animals and children and loudly unwrapping candy during plays.
I say, let's turn back the clock to a time before Jesus. Let's go back to the good old days: Stop allowing free speech. Reintroduce slavery. And, by all means, disenfranchise women.
Free and fair elections, the right to speak one's mind, an independent press, emancipation of conquered peoples, equal rights for women and similar horrors rose out of the ridiculous notion that human beings, even as individuals, matter. And where did that pernicious idea come from? The self-same Christ for whom Christmas was named.
These so-called "public goods" were stupidly granted to a populace under the clearly false premise that we are all children of the same God and therefore should be treated accordingly - as, and these next few words catch in my throat like a live cockroach swallowed whole, "brothers and sisters."
In fact, if you want to do this right, make me your benevolent tyrant, your Emperor Freaky Toe. I will guarantee a society where no one need pledge fealty to anything that isn't me. That's like one-stop shopping for all your despotic needs.
What will you get from this exchange? Well, you'll never again have to worry about making those pesky choices in a supermarket anymore. It's all Charmin, Coca-Cola, Krispy Kreme donuts and blueberry yogurt all the time.
And, you won't have to hear women, with their irritatingly high-pitched voices yakking on the TV anymore - they'll all be home where you can beat them in the comfort of your own living rooms.
And we'll stop with all those news outlets confusing you with "information" - you can get everything you need to know from the government.
Also, no more schools. Like schizophrenics and those with severe bipolar disorder, all of whom I will execute, educated people are a danger to themselves and others. When was the last time you saw people dying for ideals when they didn't have any? See, I'm pro-Life - but only for those who show that they deserve it by agreeing with me.
Of course, I'll have countless slaves so you'll be proud of how powerful your leader is and we'll make big medical breakthroughs because I'll hire scientists from "school" nations to do experiments on people who argue with me and I'll shut down the Internet and everyone gets to call me "Poppy."
Consider all this my gift to you.
Merry Christmas.
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